(TW: Suicidal thoughts)
Here we go again. I can’t tell if the meds aren’t working or if it’s just been that bad of a week. I keep having thoughts roll through my head about how I want to slit my wrists. Nothing’s been particularly bad, but I find myself overwhelmed and wanting to die. Each stressor is an excuse to want to kill myself.
All of this is happening when I should still be happy about going to the school I want to go to. I’m about to actually start my life, get a job, get an apartment, move somewhere new, and I’m sitting here wanting to end it all. It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.
Am I overwhelmed about the prospect of moving? Hell yeah. I’ve been in my current city for 5 years now and everyone I know is here. Moving away from my support network (although it is mostly people paid to listen to me bitch about my life) is intimidating as fuck. Enough to be suicidal about? No.
Maybe it’s being overwhelmed at work. My supervisees are doing a shit job because it’s spring so they aren’t motivated to do anything. One of them in particular is being the usual pain in my ass that he always is. At the other half of my job (have I mentioned that my job is weird?) I’m getting overwhelmed with the amount of work and it’s all stuff I don’t want to do. It’s all administrative bullshit that my boss is too “busy” to do. If you haven’t guessed, I’m not a fan of admin work. And then there are the last minute assignments. Am I over hours? Hell yeah. Does that stop the work from coming? No.
Each additional thing has become an excuse to kill myself. New project? Slit your wrists. Another work email? You should at least cut. It’s never fucking ending. I know I’m not going to kill myself, but I can’t get this bullshit out of my head. It keeps rolling through my head without any prompting from me, getting worse each time something else comes up.
I’m not sure if it’s just work or if it’s everything that’s going on in my life now. Hell, maybe it has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life at the moment and just means I need more medication. I have my suspicions that that’s not the case, though. It feels more life-related than an episode does. Then again, maybe it’s an episode triggered by the insanity that is my life right now.
I’m just tired of feeling this way and tired of having to remind myself that no matter how many times the thought runs through my head I’m not actually going to kill myself. Or attempt to. It’s more of an annoyance than a threat, but I’m worried that, as things progress, it’ll become a threat. I wish I could say it won’t get that bad, but I can’t. What if the next time work gets overwhelming things transition from “I want to kill myself” do “I’m going to kill myself”?
Between the Poles 
March 29th, 2013 at 3:35 am
I find that the thought of suicide always came up when looking ahead things seemed sooo hard (whether perceived or real doesn’t matter) that pushing the stop button was a more soothing thought than actually having to battle through. The more the thoughts of suicide occurred, the more they got connected to these feelings of being overwhelmed, and the more they occurred again when I felt overwhelmed, vicious cycle. Once your brain is conditioned it’s tricky changing it, like an addiction. I’m not sure how I got past that, or even if I did, I just haven’t had them in a while. What I worked on was not so much stopping having suicidal thoughts as much as on the actual feelings of being overwhelmed. It means changing your perception and also possibly taking actual action to make changes in the parts you can. Don’t let it get to the point where your brain triggered, and I think over time the conditioning wears off. Maybe one day I’ll even be able to replace it with something else?
March 29th, 2013 at 6:22 pm
Thanks for the pointers. I’ve been doing a lot better for the most part, it’s just been the past couple of weeks that everything has seemed beyond difficult. It seems to have calmed down, now I just have to keep it from happening next time.
April 2nd, 2013 at 1:29 am
[…] was reading a post from someone struggling with recurring suicidal […]