Since the end of the summer, I’ve been in negotiations with disability resources for my masters program. It all started with finding a new psychiatrist so I could get the proper documentation in order to qualify for disability resources. The appointment went well (see New Doctors) and she agreed to fill out my paperwork.
This was about 2 weeks before the start of classes. The problem? She was out of the office for a week or so and didn’t submit the letter before she left. I didn’t find this out until the middle of the next week when I finally got in contact with Disability Resources. Now with less than a week before classes, I would need to wait until that Monday (the day before classes) for Dr. S to submit my paperwork.
Uh oh. According to policy, we’re supposed to take our letters with us to the first day of class. As you can guess, they weren’t able to get my paperwork dealt with in less than a day. In fact, I didn’t hear anything until after my first class when the Disability Resources person called me to schedule an appointment to discuss all of my accommodation options. Yet another problem–she wasn’t free to meet until last Friday, after I would attend all of my classes. They’re busy with all of the incoming freshmen, I get that, but damn it sucked for me.
Anyway, we met on Friday to discuss accommodations. In my request, all I asked for was a notetaker for all of my classes. It was pretty clear when I was asked to come to a meeting that I was going to be getting more than that, which kind of freaked me out. I mean, am I really that messed up that I need a bunch of accommodations? Apparently. I walked out of the meeting with the following: a notetaker for each class, time and a half on every test, and a separate testing room. I’d like to thank my medication side effects for all of these. It’ll take about another week to get all of this in place and I need to hand deliver a letter to each professor. Awkward.
So, why am I blogging about this? Shame. I am ashamed of using Disability Resources and all of the accommodations that I’m getting, especially the separate testing room…will people notice? What if someone asks me about it? Hell, what if the professors ask me about it? I’ve never dealt with Disability Resources–my method for undergrad was pushing through the suffering and taking as many absences as possible without docking my grads–so I don’t really know what people’s reactions will be. I just know what mine is and it’s shame without a doubt.
Intellectually, I know that it’s stupid to be ashamed of getting help that I need, but intellect isn’t exactly the dominant force with this. The automatic tape in my head is playing all of those messages I got growing up about not asking for help. Help like this is an unfair advantage, a handout and, therefore, bad. You’re supposed to do things on your own, no mater how hard things are for you. I learned all of this from my dad. My mom was and is a little more accepting of help, but my dad was the important one for me growing up. So, his view is the one I’m taking on this.
In my head, I can kind of hear what my old shrink would say about this, namely that I need to stop the tape that’s playing in my head and that it’s okay to accept help that I need. (I also hate to admit that I need help). He would challenge me to be a different man than my father, something I know he would do after our various discussions about the messages I got from him about being a man that were/are less than functional.
I’m trying to stop the tape in my head, but it’s not as easy as I would hope it would be after 3 years of therapy. We didn’t really do cognitive behavioral therapy, so I didn’t learn to do that too well. We mostly did “I bitch, you listen” therapy, which is valid in it’s own way. Depending on how I deal with this in the next couple of weeks, it may be something I briefly touch on with my therapist or psychiatrist. I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time on it, but I need to find a way to get past the shame otherwise my first test is going to be even more anxiety provoking.
CBT-users, any recommendations from stopping the automatic mind tape from playing?
Between the Poles 