Suicidal

(TW: Suicidal thoughts)

Here we go again. I can’t tell if the meds aren’t working or if it’s just been that bad of a week. I keep having thoughts roll through my head about how I want to slit my wrists. Nothing’s been particularly bad, but I find myself overwhelmed and wanting to die. Each stressor is an excuse to want to kill myself.

All of this is happening when I should still be happy about going to the school I want to go to. I’m about to actually start my life, get a job, get an apartment, move somewhere new, and I’m sitting here wanting to end it all. It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me.

Am I overwhelmed about the prospect of moving? Hell yeah. I’ve been in my current city for 5 years now and everyone I know is here. Moving away from my support network (although it is mostly people paid to listen to me bitch about my life) is intimidating as fuck. Enough to be suicidal about? No. 

Maybe it’s being overwhelmed at work. My supervisees are doing a shit job because it’s spring so they aren’t motivated to do anything. One of them in particular is being the usual pain in my ass that he always is. At the other half of my job (have I mentioned that my job is weird?) I’m getting overwhelmed with the amount of work and it’s all stuff I don’t want to do. It’s all administrative bullshit that my boss is too “busy” to do. If you haven’t guessed, I’m not a fan of admin work. And then there are the last minute assignments. Am I over hours? Hell yeah. Does that stop the work from coming? No.

Each additional thing has become an excuse to kill myself. New project? Slit your wrists. Another work email? You should at least cut. It’s never fucking ending. I know I’m not going to kill myself, but I can’t get this bullshit out of my head. It keeps rolling through my head without any prompting from me, getting worse each time something else comes up. 

I’m not sure if it’s just work or if it’s everything that’s going on in my life now. Hell, maybe it has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life at the moment and just means I need more medication. I have my suspicions that that’s not the case, though. It feels more life-related than an episode does. Then again, maybe it’s an episode triggered by the insanity that is my life right now. 

I’m just tired of feeling this way and tired of having to remind myself that no matter how many times the thought runs through my head I’m not actually going to kill myself. Or attempt to. It’s more of an annoyance than a threat, but I’m worried that, as things progress, it’ll become a threat. I wish I could say it won’t get that bad, but I can’t. What if the next time work gets overwhelming things transition from “I want to kill myself” do “I’m going to kill myself”?

Today

I don’t really know where I’m at today. 

I’ve got a decent amount of energy, which would suggest normal or hypomanic. I’ve been creating things, which would also suggest hypomanic. At the same time, I spent the majority of the day aggravated with no real reason. Normal shit just grinding on my nerves. That one could go either way, but usually depression. Oh, and I’ve been getting headaches off and on, something else that goes with depression.

I hate having moods that I can’t categorize. If I’m being completely honest, I hate having moods in general. I thought when I started meds they would go away, but they haven’t and I’m still waiting to hear from my psychiatrist about my depression issues. 

I’m starting to lose hope that this isn’t the best it’s going to get. Don’t get me wrong, this is leaps and bounds better than it was before, but it’s hard to be excited when I still get recurring depression that impacts my job.

I’m mixed episode free, which is significant because that was hell (post coming soon about that). I’m also mostly mania free, which is good because of the agitation, physical hypersensitivity (the wind hurts my skin, feels itchy, etc.), and subtle paranoia. No more grandiose thoughts about how great I am that are paired with unflattering aggression. Instead, all that’s left is normal and depressed and, for the last while, it seems like depression dominates. 

I’m exhausted, so I’m not exactly sure how to finish this. I just wanted to update everyone on what’s been going on today.