I’m giving coloring a try to see if it helps when I’m agitated. I got the idea from bipolaronfire and plan to give it a try with mandalas, which require a little more thought to them and more coloring skill than filling in yellow on Big Bird. They should start making adult color books for crazy people like me. Maybe a nice Tarantino collection? Just don’t forget the red. I’d be down with an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind coloring book. You know what they say about Jim Carrey.
I picked up the coloring supplies (and some Play-Doh) after therapy today. It turns out that I may have had a mild(ish) mixed episode yesterday. I had the usual need to sleep of depression paired with some irritability and topped of with extreme agitation. I really do mean extreme. We’re talking repetitive motions with a self-harm component and general aggression toward anyone. It was bad enough that, while walking, I was angry at the person walking on the sidewalk across the street for just existing. I also started getting really itchy, which I always do when I get agitated (anyone got an explanation for this or similar experience?). I thought about cutting, but decided it and the binge that would follow weren’t worth it.
All of this was after my psychiatrist upping my dose of Lamictal to 200mg (no, I don’t think this caused the episode). So, I’m currently waiting to hear back from her to see if, given the mixed episode, anything needs to change with the meds. She’ll probably just have me add in some more Abilify, which is great at calking me down if no other reason than the fact that it makes me drowsy when I hit 15 mg.
I’m debating taking some extra Abilify tonight to see if it evens me out. The main reason I’m thinking about doing this is that I started to get agitated in my session today, itching and everything. I’ve never done that before unless I’ve come in unquestioningly manic, which just makes me overall twitchy and itchy. I spent the walk home playing with Play-Doh just to keep my hands occupied, which helped with the agitation.
I’m a little nervous how all of this is going to play out. And a bit disappointed, mostly because when I started this blog I thought it would all be about how amazingly I was doing and that’s really not the case at the moment. I’m getting really tired of the episodes and I’m especially worried about the mixed episodes. My moods all seem to have some kind of mixed component, which makes me worry that my first mixed episode somehow fucked up all of my other moods (irrational, I know). I guess it’s all the more reason why I should stay on the meds, just in hope of not having any more mixed episodes.
Currently I’m waiting on an email from my psychiatrist to let me know what to do. She followed up my latest email with a set of questions, so I’m not really sure what comes next. I’m hoping she’ll ask to bump our appointment up, given my seemingly worsening instability. I kept doubting that will happen, though, because my mood doesn’t feel bad enough to warrant it. I’m used to all of these terrible moods that this doesn’t really feel like anything, even though I know it is. I’m surprised I let her know about the issues, but I’m glad I did. Hopefully she’ll be able to figure out some kind of medication cocktail to make this all better.